She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
