Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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