I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So squirting runs in the family.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
