Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
