whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize