you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
