Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's shark week go big or go home
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
