Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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