i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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