also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
