Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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