Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
