I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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