No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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