dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
