Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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