There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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