oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
