ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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