if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
