sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
