You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize