if only i could text you this smell
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
