I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
