Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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