the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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