omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize