I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
