Just cropdusted the office
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
