Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
