If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
