I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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