This is not my ceiling
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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