We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
