If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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