No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
