i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
