I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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