Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
