Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
