This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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