Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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