The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
