life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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