i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
