Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
