Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
