It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize