he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
