Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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