when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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