I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
