If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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