I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
