I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
