I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
