Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
