whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
