Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
They have beer where we have blood.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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