May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
