you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
