I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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