Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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