Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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