I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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